Welcome to The New Chainik Hocker. I am your host, the eponymous Chainik Hocker, here to share news, reviews, pretty pictures, and silly opinions with you. Contact me at chainik DOT hocker AT gmail DOT com

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Pimp my Gun!

Welcome to MTV's Pimp my Gun. With your host, Xzibit!

Hi, and welcome to MTV's Pimp my Gun. Let's meet Ranger Smith.

Ranger Smith: Hi, Xzibit. I'm a Park Ranger, and I need something with a lot of firepower, but it can't clash with my uniform.

Squirrels getting bad? No. It's that bear. He smarter than the av-er-age bear, and he keeps getting into pic-a-nic baskets. I want that sumbitch's pelt for a rug. Him and his little Boo-Boo. Pedophilic, kleptomaniacal bears piss the hell out of me. Well, that's certainly understandable, sir. We have just the thing for you. It's a carbine in green and tan, just like your uniform.

Happy hunting.

Up next we have Carl "C.J" Johnson.

Hi, Xzibit. Nice to be here. I'm a huge fan.

Now, as an average, run of the mill thug, I didn't really see the need for flashy showmanship. Then I went to jail, and I learned the value of making a bold statement from my cellmate and "prison wife", Ken Lay. Kenny Boy is the former CEO of a Fortune 500 company, and to forstall me raping him like a Catholic chiorboy, he used to lecture me on leadership and management techniques. I must say, I learned quite a bit from Kenny Boy. In fact, I've been inspired to initiate a hostile takeover of my old gang, now that I've been released from prison (thank you, Democrats!).

One of the manegement techniques Ken stressed was flair and style. I'm looking for a signature personal weapon with a high rate of fire and unique styling.

Can you find me a weapon that matches my outfit? I want to smoke some bitches and look good while doing it.

Um. You're just wearing a floppy hat and some jeans.You got some kind of problem? How about I waste you right now, mofo? Uhhh... no, no, I don't got no problems...

Let's see what we have.

How's that? Very nice. Kenny would be gratified that I've taken his lessons to heart. Do you have a weapon for my ho as well?

Ooh, do I get a gun too, CJ? I wanna pretty gun!

Sheesh. Let's see what we have for the lady... It has a cellphone charger, too.

Well, that's all for MTV's Pimp my Gun; join us next week as we pimp the guns of Dick Cheney and Machine Gun Kelly.

(theme music)


Larson Tactical