There is no such thing as a potato blintz.
There. I said it. I have stated this as a hard, unequivocal fact.
The only real blintzes are cheese blintzes. Cherry, cherry and cheese, strawberry, blueberry, apple-cinnamon (my personal favorite)- all these are pale imitations of the One True Blintz Stuffing, which is cheese.
Grated or mashed potato stuffed in dough is called a knish. So let it be written.
What is the difference, you may ask?
The accompaniments, of course. Blintzes are served with sour cream. Knishes are served with deli style mustard. It doesn't matter if anyone actually eats the sour cream or the mustard- I've happily eaten knishes with no mustard, just like I've eaten falafel with no techina- but it mamesh does not pas to serve blintzes with no sour cream, just like serving latkes with no apple sauce is a booshe despite the fact that it tastes just fine stam.
Ai, you can say that knishes are fried and blintzes are baked, but I can show you Gabilla's knishes (no website), which are both fried and baked and are delicious.
You can tell me that blintzes are rectangular and flat, whereas knishes are either round (pizza shop style) or square (Mom's Knishes)- but I tell you that this is no reiya, because a food is a food even when you change its shape. We learn this out from Italian slices, which everyone holds is still pizza even though it is puffed up and square and not flat and triangular.
And bourekas are no reiya, either, because I hold the same thing by bourekas- stuffing potato into dough makes it a knish whether it is square, round, or in the case of bourekas, triangular.
You can ask me what makes a boureka different from a blintz, and I can answer: you serve a boureka with schug, tomato salad, and a hard boiled egg.
Calzones are clearly the work of the Satan to confuse people, and I have serious doubts on what bracha is appropriate- and in any case, it is part of the pizza family.
If you ever wondered what your husband/ brother/ son does all night in the BM on Shavous night, now you know.
Friday, May 25, 2007
The stuffing is the ikur.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Ron Paul found beaten within an inch of his life.
Ron Paul was found bloody and bleeding last night outside John Birch Society headquarters, police say. He was covered in tire iron-like marks. A police source close to the investigation claims that strange markings were embedded in Congressman Paul's forehead and buttocks. According to a forensic report, it appears the words Office of the Mayor of the City of New York were engraved on the tire iron.
Ron Paul most recently had a run in with Rudy Giuliani at the debate. Mr. Paul stated that 911 was America's fault, and Mr. Giuliani asked him to recant the statement. In video from the debate, Mr. Giuliani's left eye can be seen twitching. Mr. Giuliani was recently the Mayor of the City of New York, and frequently carries the ceremonial tire iron of his former office. When asked for a comment on the frequent assault, Mr. Giuliani said "I beat that moron like a rented mule. I beat him so hard I think the tire iron has a new dent. I'll do the same to any moron who wants to tell me 911 was America's fault. And if he doesn't apologize, I'll do it again. Rudy smash! Graaaaaah!"
Police are continuing to investigate. Anyone who has information on the case should call 555-TIPS.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Democracy is survival of the craziest.
With less than a year and a half to go to Super Duper Extra Special Super Happy Fun Tuesday, the day when all the states except New Hampshire and Illinois get to vote on who will be America's Next Top Model, if I understand this here New York Times editorial right, I think that it behooves us, as a nation, and also, by the same token, as a blog, to get to the end of this sentence and pick a President.
You may be wondering, who will Chainik decide to vote for? You may ask yourself, who is Keith Olbermann going to punch? You may ask yourself, did Hillary know what she was starting, announcing her candidacy so early? You may ask yourself, what brand of whitening toothpaste does Obama use?
Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.
Now, in order to decide who to vote for, as opposed to just picking a name at random based on campaign commercials which strongly imply that if you vote for the other guy you're voting for a Communist who advocates the hunting of schoolchildren for sport, you have to think back to a time before last Tuesday. You have to think, who did I vote for last time? Then you have to ask yourself, did that person do a good job?
I personally voted for the candidate who promised to kill the most terrorists. Yet, to my chagrin and disappointment, here we are three years or so later and there are terrorists out there who are still not dead. This makes me mad. I pay a lot of taxes and I expect to see dead terrorists in return. And maybe some pothole repair.
That is why I am voting for the candidate who has promised to murder terrorists personally. I am talking of course, of Hizzoner Rudy Guiliani, the Mayor of 9/11.
Rudy ready for action!Mayor Giuliani brandished the ceremonial New York City Mayoral Tire Iron as he described to this blogger just how he would use the tire iron, symbolic of the toughness of New York City, to "drive America's enemies before me, crush them, and hear the lamentation of their women". When asked how this would effect the war for oil, he explained patiently that "a war with a base objective, a, ah, motive based on financial gain, takes away from the purity and the, the sheer beauty of death in battle". When asked why he still had the tire iron, which technically belongs to the current mayor of New York, Mayor Mike, Giuliani said that he would gladly return it but "Mike's too scared to ask for it back, and, you know, I've kind of gotten used to having it around. Makes dealing with the press a lot easier".
Mayor (later Governor) DeWitt Clinton with the Mayor's Tire Iron in 1537 (source: The New York Post )Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Rumsfeld arrives in Afghanistan; 30 Taliban killed
Headline from Yahoo News.
At a press conference, Secretary Rumsfeld said "How about that, eh? Eh? Thirty, by gum! Not bad for a 72 year old man, eh? Eh? Bare hands, too! No strangling gloves or nothing! It's my birthday present for Dubya. Happy sixtieth, Mr. President!"
When asked if he'd lost his cotton-pickin mind, The Secretary of Defense stated "In my day, a cabinet member murdering the enemies of our country wasn't actually quite this newsworthy an event, ya know.
I recall as a boy hearing the bloodcurdling screams of Nazi U Boat crews being dragged from their ships in the middle of the night by an enraged Franklin Roosevelt. He’d paddle his wheelchair into the Atlantic Ocean, smelling for Nazi. And then, like some Lovecraftian nightmare, he’d latch onto the side of a submarine, tear it open like a soda can, disembowel the sailors, drink their blood, and eat their intestines. That’s what gave him strength, you know.
Then some pinko bleeding heart fellow traveler comsymp wuss decided it might make bad propaganda, having an insane cannibal monster running the country… poor Franklin couldn’t feast on the living bodies of his enemies, anymore. Poor man just wasted away.
Fortunately his right hand man was crazy as he was. This is back in the day when Democrats were allowed to have cojones and were allowed to love their country. Nowadays, of course, we have Zoloft and stem cell research…”
Mr. Rumsfeld then stared off into space for several minutes. One of the reporters at the press conference finally worked up the courage to ask if it wasn’t beneath the Secretary of Defense’s dignity to engage in active murder while in office. Mr. Rumsfeld rerplied “I’m going to tell you exactly what I told Colin Powell. If you call me the Secretary of Defense one more time I am going to kill you, your family, your friends, your pets, your casual acquaintances, everyone on your IM buddy list, and all your MySpace friends. I. Am. The. Secretary. Of. War! NOT THE SECRETARY OF DEFENCE! ONLY WIMPY CRYBABY NATIONS LIKE FRANCE HAS SECRETARIES OF DEFENCE RRAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! RUMSFELD MAD! RUMSFELD SMASH!”
The press conference broke up soon after that.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Welcome to the United States of North America, can I take your order?
Now, this is surprising.
Apparently, 10% of Mexican citizens live in the United States.
Allow that to sink in, shall we?
Imagine two million, five hundred thousand Americans moving to, say, Brazil.
That is a large portion of the population.So large, in fact, that I say its useless to fight it.From now on, lets call ourselves The United States of North America. We should send the Army into Mexico City and Ottawa, force them to pull down the statues of national heroes, and install a Starbucks every fifteen feet. Because, hey, I like coffee, and, hey, who's going to stop us?
Mexicans will approve of the plan, because now all Mexicans will be eligible for free healthcare, welfare, Social Security, a public school system with the highest levels of edutainment in the world, and Paris Hilton. They will have equality under the law and a law worth being equal under. They will be part of the greatest, richest, most powerful nation the planet has ever known. They will have four channels of MTV, two channels of VH1, and innumerable HBO affiliates.
Yes, I know America, officially speaking, has no national healthcare system. But we have a de facto national healthcare system in that it is illegal to turn anyone away from an emergency room due to lack of insurance. I've seen people go to an ER for aspirin, a toothache, a splinter. So, we have all the benefits of a free healthcare system- free healthcare- and none of many horrible drawbacks- beurocracy and that whole "planned economy takes away the incentive to work better" thing.
Now, the benefits to Canadians may be harder to see. But, hey, come on, they're Canadians. Just tell them "next Olympics, you can have black people play for your team in basketball! You may even find out what it feels like to win a gold medal!" (For you Non Americans out there wondering what it feels like to have your national team win a gold medal in Olympic Basketball, allow me to share the following with you: it feels freakin' sweet).
If they still object, just point behind them and say, "look, a moose! and he is carrying a sign saying "Cnadaada suX0rs" in English but not in French!
Meese can't spell very well, so the Canadians will totally believe this. Also, the French Canadians, or Quobecoises (motto: Even we can't spell that word, and we made it up in 1967) get seriously cheesed off (frommaged sur plus dans) when someone dares speak English, but after many decades of fierce negotiation, they grudgingly allowed the English speaking Canadians to print signs in English, assuming matching text is printed in French. And then they must wrestle a Maple Leaf Monster. While juggling hockey pucks.
Which leads me back to my point, which I'll recall as soon as I scan up a few lines in the text.
Meese? That can't be right. Meeses, maybe.
Oh, yeah, my point is, just tell the Canadians that if they join the United States of North America, we will immediately deport all the French Canadians to Mars and distribute a free can of spray paint to every teenager ages 14-17 who promises to spray paint over any bit of printed French visible in public.They'll rush to join.
We'll get the Mexicans to make the spray paint. They work cheap.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Hugo Chavez found dead in Brooklyn
Hugo Chavez’s body was recovered from the trunk of an abandoned 1989 Crown Victoria in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, this morning. It was not immediately clear how the 51-year-old Venezuelan president died, or what he was doing in Brooklyn.
Lt. Irish McStereotype, head of the NYPD’s Brooklyn North Homicide Task Force, stated that President Chavez’s body was “riddled with buckshot”, but said that this was not the cause of death. He did say that a note was attached to the body. Sources within the Department tell us that the note read “Don’t call me ‘girl’”. “Dead Eye” Dick Cheney, Vice President of a prominent country, was being held for questioning at the 81st Precinct, but Lt. McStereotype refuse to name him as a suspect.
President Chavez had been in the news recently after a provocative speech in which he said, addressing US Secretary of State Dr. Condoleezza Rice, in which he said in part “Don't mess with me Condoleezza. Don't mess with me, girl.” In a press conference yesterday, Secretary Rice responded “Who you calling girl, nigga? Do not start with me. Do not start with me. I am a strong, independent black woman. I gots my education. I gots a BA in political science from the University of Denver, a Master’s in political science from Notre Dame, and a PhD from the Graduate School of International Studies at the University of Denver. So do not start with that weak-ass “girl” crap. I will pop a cap in yo ass, nigga. Mmm-hmm.”
At an unrelated briefing last night, the press questioned Secretary Rice about Vice President Cheney’s possible involvement in a homicide so soon after the “hunting accident” that left a Houston trial lawyer in the hospital. Dr. Rice responded “Cheney? That old white man couldn’t kill Chavez even if he got all his Secret Service homeboys to help. I killed that crazy Mexican myself. I even left a note. Da-yum, you reporters be stupid. Cheney? Probably have hisself a heart attack, he ever tried killin some fool Mexican.” When a reporter pointed out that Chavez had been Venezuelan, Secretary Rice began pistol-whipping him.
The press briefing broke up soon after that.
Police still have no leads as to the identity of the killer. If you have any information, please call (866) 313 TIPS.
