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Monday, May 22, 2006

Welcome to the United States of North America, can I take your order?

Now, this is surprising.

Apparently, 10% of Mexican citizens live in the United States.

Allow that to sink in, shall we?

Imagine two million, five hundred thousand Americans moving to, say, Brazil.

That is a large portion of the population.So large, in fact, that I say its useless to fight it.From now on, lets call ourselves The United States of North America. We should send the Army into Mexico City and Ottawa, force them to pull down the statues of national heroes, and install a Starbucks every fifteen feet. Because, hey, I like coffee, and, hey, who's going to stop us?

Mexicans will approve of the plan, because now all Mexicans will be eligible for free healthcare, welfare, Social Security, a public school system with the highest levels of edutainment in the world, and Paris Hilton. They will have equality under the law and a law worth being equal under. They will be part of the greatest, richest, most powerful nation the planet has ever known. They will have four channels of MTV, two channels of VH1, and innumerable HBO affiliates.

Yes, I know America, officially speaking, has no national healthcare system. But we have a de facto national healthcare system in that it is illegal to turn anyone away from an emergency room due to lack of insurance. I've seen people go to an ER for aspirin, a toothache, a splinter. So, we have all the benefits of a free healthcare system- free healthcare- and none of many horrible drawbacks- beurocracy and that whole "planned economy takes away the incentive to work better" thing.

Now, the benefits to Canadians may be harder to see. But, hey, come on, they're Canadians. Just tell them "next Olympics, you can have black people play for your team in basketball! You may even find out what it feels like to win a gold medal!" (For you Non Americans out there wondering what it feels like to have your national team win a gold medal in Olympic Basketball, allow me to share the following with you: it feels freakin' sweet).

If they still object, just point behind them and say, "look, a moose! and he is carrying a sign saying "Cnadaada suX0rs" in English but not in French!

Meese can't spell very well, so the Canadians will totally believe this. Also, the French Canadians, or Quobecoises (motto: Even we can't spell that word, and we made it up in 1967) get seriously cheesed off (frommaged sur plus dans) when someone dares speak English, but after many decades of fierce negotiation, they grudgingly allowed the English speaking Canadians to print signs in English, assuming matching text is printed in French. And then they must wrestle a Maple Leaf Monster. While juggling hockey pucks.

Which leads me back to my point, which I'll recall as soon as I scan up a few lines in the text.

Meese? That can't be right. Meeses, maybe.

Oh, yeah, my point is, just tell the Canadians that if they join the United States of North America, we will immediately deport all the French Canadians to Mars and distribute a free can of spray paint to every teenager ages 14-17 who promises to spray paint over any bit of printed French visible in public.They'll rush to join.

We'll get the Mexicans to make the spray paint. They work cheap.