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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Rumsfeld arrives in Afghanistan; 30 Taliban killed

Headline from Yahoo News.

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At a press conference, Secretary Rumsfeld said "How about that, eh? Eh? Thirty, by gum! Not bad for a 72 year old man, eh? Eh? Bare hands, too! No strangling gloves or nothing! It's my birthday present for Dubya. Happy sixtieth, Mr. President!"

When asked if he'd lost his cotton-pickin mind, The Secretary of Defense stated "In my day, a cabinet member murdering the enemies of our country wasn't actually quite this newsworthy an event, ya know.

I recall as a boy hearing the bloodcurdling screams of Nazi U Boat crews being dragged from their ships in the middle of the night by an enraged Franklin Roosevelt. He’d paddle his wheelchair into the Atlantic Ocean, smelling for Nazi. And then, like some Lovecraftian nightmare, he’d latch onto the side of a submarine, tear it open like a soda can, disembowel the sailors, drink their blood, and eat their intestines. That’s what gave him strength, you know.

Then some pinko bleeding heart fellow traveler comsymp wuss decided it might make bad propaganda, having an insane cannibal monster running the country… poor Franklin couldn’t feast on the living bodies of his enemies, anymore. Poor man just wasted away.

Fortunately his right hand man was crazy as he was. This is back in the day when Democrats were allowed to have cojones and were allowed to love their country. Nowadays, of course, we have Zoloft and stem cell research…”

Mr. Rumsfeld then stared off into space for several minutes. One of the reporters at the press conference finally worked up the courage to ask if it wasn’t beneath the Secretary of Defense’s dignity to engage in active murder while in office. Mr. Rumsfeld rerplied “I’m going to tell you exactly what I told Colin Powell. If you call me the Secretary of Defense one more time I am going to kill you, your family, your friends, your pets, your casual acquaintances, everyone on your IM buddy list, and all your MySpace friends. I. Am. The. Secretary. Of. War! NOT THE SECRETARY OF DEFENCE! ONLY WIMPY CRYBABY NATIONS LIKE FRANCE HAS SECRETARIES OF DEFENCE RRAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! RUMSFELD MAD! RUMSFELD SMASH!”

The press conference broke up soon after that.