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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Hugo Chavez found dead in Brooklyn

Hugo Chavez’s body was recovered from the trunk of an abandoned 1989 Crown Victoria in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, this morning. It was not immediately clear how the 51-year-old Venezuelan president died, or what he was doing in Brooklyn.

Lt. Irish McStereotype, head of the NYPD’s Brooklyn North Homicide Task Force, stated that President Chavez’s body was “riddled with buckshot”, but said that this was not the cause of death. He did say that a note was attached to the body. Sources within the Department tell us that the note read “Don’t call me ‘girl’”. “Dead Eye” Dick Cheney, Vice President of a prominent country, was being held for questioning at the 81st Precinct, but Lt. McStereotype refuse to name him as a suspect.

President Chavez had been in the news recently after a provocative speech in which he said, addressing US Secretary of State Dr. Condoleezza Rice, in which he said in part “Don't mess with me Condoleezza. Don't mess with me, girl.” In a press conference yesterday, Secretary Rice responded “Who you calling girl, nigga? Do not start with me. Do not start with me. I am a strong, independent black woman. I gots my education. I gots a BA in political science from the University of Denver, a Master’s in political science from Notre Dame, and a PhD from the Graduate School of International Studies at the University of Denver. So do not start with that weak-ass “girl” crap. I will pop a cap in yo ass, nigga. Mmm-hmm.”

At an unrelated briefing last night, the press questioned Secretary Rice about Vice President Cheney’s possible involvement in a homicide so soon after the “hunting accident” that left a Houston trial lawyer in the hospital. Dr. Rice responded “Cheney? That old white man couldn’t kill Chavez even if he got all his Secret Service homeboys to help. I killed that crazy Mexican myself. I even left a note. Da-yum, you reporters be stupid. Cheney? Probably have hisself a heart attack, he ever tried killin some fool Mexican.” When a reporter pointed out that Chavez had been Venezuelan, Secretary Rice began pistol-whipping him.

The press briefing broke up soon after that.

Police still have no leads as to the identity of the killer. If you have any information, please call (866) 313 TIPS.