Now, this is surprising.
Apparently, 10% of Mexican citizens live in the United States.
Allow that to sink in, shall we?
Imagine two million, five hundred thousand Americans moving to, say, Brazil.
That is a large portion of the population.So large, in fact, that I say its useless to fight it.From now on, lets call ourselves The United States of North America. We should send the Army into Mexico City and Ottawa, force them to pull down the statues of national heroes, and install a Starbucks every fifteen feet. Because, hey, I like coffee, and, hey, who's going to stop us?
Mexicans will approve of the plan, because now all Mexicans will be eligible for free healthcare, welfare, Social Security, a public school system with the highest levels of edutainment in the world, and Paris Hilton. They will have equality under the law and a law worth being equal under. They will be part of the greatest, richest, most powerful nation the planet has ever known. They will have four channels of MTV, two channels of VH1, and innumerable HBO affiliates.
Yes, I know America, officially speaking, has no national healthcare system. But we have a de facto national healthcare system in that it is illegal to turn anyone away from an emergency room due to lack of insurance. I've seen people go to an ER for aspirin, a toothache, a splinter. So, we have all the benefits of a free healthcare system- free healthcare- and none of many horrible drawbacks- beurocracy and that whole "planned economy takes away the incentive to work better" thing.
Now, the benefits to Canadians may be harder to see. But, hey, come on, they're Canadians. Just tell them "next Olympics, you can have black people play for your team in basketball! You may even find out what it feels like to win a gold medal!" (For you Non Americans out there wondering what it feels like to have your national team win a gold medal in Olympic Basketball, allow me to share the following with you: it feels freakin' sweet).
If they still object, just point behind them and say, "look, a moose! and he is carrying a sign saying "Cnadaada suX0rs" in English but not in French!
Meese can't spell very well, so the Canadians will totally believe this. Also, the French Canadians, or Quobecoises (motto: Even we can't spell that word, and we made it up in 1967) get seriously cheesed off (frommaged sur plus dans) when someone dares speak English, but after many decades of fierce negotiation, they grudgingly allowed the English speaking Canadians to print signs in English, assuming matching text is printed in French. And then they must wrestle a Maple Leaf Monster. While juggling hockey pucks.
Which leads me back to my point, which I'll recall as soon as I scan up a few lines in the text.
Meese? That can't be right. Meeses, maybe.
Oh, yeah, my point is, just tell the Canadians that if they join the United States of North America, we will immediately deport all the French Canadians to Mars and distribute a free can of spray paint to every teenager ages 14-17 who promises to spray paint over any bit of printed French visible in public.They'll rush to join.
We'll get the Mexicans to make the spray paint. They work cheap.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Welcome to the United States of North America, can I take your order?
Sunday, March 26, 2006
New To You: Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Here is my review of Fahrenheit 911, written before I started blogging, and posted on my old blog. If you haven’t read it, its new to you.
Chainik Hocker reviews Fahrenheit 911
Note: I first wrote this review in early July, about three days after the movie came out, and was hoping to sell it to somebody somewhere. Nobody bought it or was even willing to publish it for free. So I saved it on my hard drive and forgot about it. I just dug it up now. Here it is.
I must start this review with a caveat. Not only am I a Republican- an Orthodox Jewish Republican- an Orthodox Jewish Republican who has lost friends and relatives to Arab terror in New York and Israel- but I am also a huge Michael Moore fan.
I first discovered Roger and Me on cable when I was sixteen, and have since read all his books and seen all his movies. The man is both a genius and funny as hell. However, he has moved from his populist, mildly socialist Roger and Me (force GM to keep jobs in Flint!) to the more extremist Downsize This! (nationalize GM!) to the crackpot lefty Dude, Where’s My Country? (capitalizt GM exploits the proletariat!). Which brings us to Fahrenheit 911.
I was extremely reluctant to contribute my $8.50 to Moore’s coffers. However, I remembered all his criticisms of capitalism and realized that he probably wouldn’t want me to go to a theater (owned by Lowe’s), having purchased my ticket online (with my computer from Dell and an operating system from Microsoft), purchase a soda (Coca Cola Corporation) having traveled in my Ford automobile (powered by gas from Exxon). This one trip to see a movie would put money in the pockets of a lot of big powerful corporations. So instead I walked around the corner from my apartment and bought a pirated DVD for five bucks.
The movie is a well crafted, deliberately paced, beautifully written piece of crap. The plot, as far as I could tell, went as follows. First Al Gore is elected President of the United States. Then George Bush’s cousin, working for Fox News, tells everybody that Dubya won after all. All the African Americans in the country have their votes discounted. The US Senate doesn’t care.
Dubya is a lazy guy who spends much of the summer of 2001 on vacation. It is implied that Gore wouldn’t have taken a vacation (although he would have needed a tune-up and an oil change after 5,000 miles).
Then Osama Bin Laden crashes four planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. It turns out that Dubya’s father, Bush the Elder, knows Saudi Arabians from Saudi Arabia. He has even done business with Saudi Arabians and has visited Saudi Arabia. Also, Dubya may have known a guy who knew Osama’s father. Both the Bushes know the Saudi Arabian ambassador, who is from Saudi Arabia. Osama Bin Laden is from Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia is very rich and it owns precisely 7% of the United States. Saudi Arabia gave Dubya 150 billion dollars. You get paid about 400 thousand dollars a year to be President. 150 billion dollars is more money than 400 thousand.
After the WTC incident, Dubya got real mad. So mad that he invaded Afghanistan, an innocent country that had never done anything wrong to us. They were run by some real evil guys named ‘Taliban’ with funny beards and bad teeth who didn’t respect women’s rights. Also, Dubya was real good friends with the Taliban. We have proof in the form of a trip that a Taliban representative took a trip to Texas in 1997 and met with the Governor, who was Bush. Donald Rumsfeld bombed the heck out of Afghanistan, but most of the Taliban got away. He did manage to kill a whole bunch of innocent civilians, though. Then Bush decided to invade Iraq, just for the hell of it. More innocent civilians were killed. Also some American soldiers. Many American soldiers are from poor neighborhoods.
The military actually has people who go around to poor neighborhoods and encourages people to join. There is an interview with a mutinous Marine (whose first name, not that it matters, is Mohammed) who announces his intentions to go AWOL rather than return to Iraq.
Some rather gruesome shots of dead and dieing Arabs are shown. We follow an unidentified Army unit on Xmas eve arresting an Iraqi for reasons we are never told. The man’s relatives are, not surprisingly, annoyed at this. Cut to an interview of the mother of an American soldier killed in Iraq. Cut to an Iraqi kid screaming and bleeding from a head wound. Cut to American mother sobbing in front of the White House. Cut to American soldiers under attack. Some of the men have been hit. There is much shouting, running back and forth, camera jiggling, bleeding, gunshots. Cut to Iraqi with arm mostly off and bleeding all over the place. Cut to explosions, confusion, yelling, the President playing golf. The army has been brought to its knees. Fade to black.
In his terrifyingly bland, Midwestern, nose-first voice, Moore narrates our national descent into hell. Iraq is Vietnam with sand and camels. He plays six-degrees-of-separation between Bush and Osama, so convincingly that we want to leave the theater and burn George at the stake for being the twenty first hijacker. The battle scenes leave us astonished there are any Marines left alive. The powerful scene with the grieving mother causes many an eye to tear up and many a stomach to turn. The shots of bleeding and broken Iraqis looked like someone stuffed their sister’s dolls in a blender, poured in some dirt and a lot of tomato juice, and pushed puree with the cover off, and splashed the result all over the street, with extra yelling and running around. This is bullshit. This is sickening. There is no excuse for this kind of barbarism.
Burn down the White House. Hang all Republicans from light poles. Then the credits roll and you come to your senses.
Something was bothering me. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. This is why, when one views a documentary on current American politics, one does so in the company of a Canadian or other some such foreigner- to provide a sense of perspective. The Canadian I was watching the film with came up with the biggest problem of the film, which proves my point. “What was the deal” he said “where they had the Senators with the kids who weren’t in the army?”
See, Mr. Moore pointed out that many legislators in this country, including those who approved the war in Iraq, don’t have children in the military. He pulled a classic Moore stunt by going around to Congressmen with military-age sons and handing out recruiting literature. The results are, predictably funny… but there’s something wrong with this picture.
What?
During Vietnam, we had the draft. If called to serve, you damn well went into the army, whether you wanted to or not (in theory). However, now the Charlie Chaplin of the Iraq-as-Nam metaphor slips on the banana peel of logic. We have an all volunteer force nowadays. And nobody, mutinous Marine notwithstanding, is in the military involuntarily. Yes, it is possible that some joined for the benefits and not because they expected to have to actually fight. However, they did sign up of their own free will.
This is, at most, a minor quibble. However I believe it is indicative of Mr. Moore’s attempt to reclaim sixties style political activism, even if it means twisting an Iraq until it fits into a Nam-shaped hole. For most liberals today (although I hear they’re calling themselves “progressives” now, and I for one thing it’s great that they finally have the guts to show there true colors by calling themselves what Communists used to call them- although the Communists were being sarcastic and the lefties seem not to be kidding), the sixties never ended. So thrilled are they by finally being able to have everybody chant the same thing at the demonstrations that they did forty years ago, (namely, “Stop the War!!!”) they will gladly protest any damn thing. Bush? He’s a Republican, isn’t he? Booo!!! Stem cell research? The Right is against it? Yay stem cell research!!! War? Booo war!!!
This kind of knee-jerk politics has replaced careful thought and deliberate decision, followed by a knee jerk reaction. Well, my knees don’t work all that well, and I can’t jerk them. I can sit down and think about stuff, and I can remember that we did not start this damn war. We did not start this war, but we will damn well finish it. We don’t have a choice. And I don't give a crap about Michael Moore any longer.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Freedom of Speech is the Freedom to Disagree.
Now, a lot has been said about freedom of speech in regards to the Danish cartoons, and the Muslim world’s opinion about it.
Now, before you get involved in an argument, you have to understand all sides involved.
There are a few factions in the fight:
American Conservatives (o.k. The Ones With The Guns): who believe that there are a few silly, bad, or evil people, and if they can identify and shoot these people, the rest of the Muslim world will start watching Britney Spears videos, drinking Coors Light, and listening to the Black Eyed Peas. TOWTGs believe that all, or nearly all, humans, want to make a little money, have a little religion, and have a lot of fun. The problem, to TOWTGs, is that a few maniacs usually take over a given region and force everyone to do their bidding; then you have to send in GI Joe to kill COBRA. And the villagers will rejoice.
This is Pollyannaish at best.
American Liberals (Michael Moore and Howard Dean, i.e. Hippy Moonbats): who believe that Satan sent Karl Rove to destroy mankind. Karl Rove can't be elected because the Secret Service checks all Presidential candidates' feet for cloven hooves, so he and his fellow demon, Dick Cheney, got a patsy to be President: George Dubya Bush, who is both a retard barely capable of functioning at a third grade level and an evil genius capable of knocking down levees with his mind. Halliburton, a wholly owned subsidiary of Hell, with branches in Dis, Pandemonium, and Austin, offered Dick Cheney a dollar for every innocent Iraq civilian murdered by the US military-industrial complex. So Donald Rumsfeld blew up the World Trade Center so Chimpy McBushit could invade Iraq. Plus, oil.
Delusional.
Europeans (i.e. Euroweenies) believe that those silly American cowboys are really dumb for trying to be heroes, but, whatever. What scares the crepe suzettes out of the Euroweenies are those violent psychopaths living in huge numbers all over Europe, usually with no jobs due to flaccid, impotent economic policies set by the EU. So the Euroweenies say whatever is least likely to get their embassies burned down, because those nutjobs are effin' scary.
Gutless, and ultimately counterproductive.
Israel (i.e. The Zionist Entity): A bunch of middle class, college educated Saudis murdered a bunch of Americans on 9/11 leading to America’s latest incursion into Middle Eastern politics, so of course Israel is at fault. Israel has been fighting Islamofascist terrorism for almost four generations now, and they are getting sick and tired of it. They've tried ignoring the terrorists, shooting the terrorists, talking to the terrorists, blowing up the terrorists, negotiating with the terrorists, launching missiles at the terrorists, giving land to the terrorists, and siccing Bill Clinton on the terrorists. Currently, the policy in TZE is to create Palestinian State weather the Palestinians want one or not. The Israelis carved out a big chunk of their territory (including some of the most advanced agricultural facilities in the country; too bad the Palestinians can't seem to make it work- that thing about "making the desert bloom" wasn't propaganda, guys. And the price of kosher lettuce is up about 30%, if you can even find it for sale.) with the intent of sealing it the hell off- give the Palis guns and some money, build a big freaking wall around it, and let them make their own damn state.
A triumph of hope over experience.
And finally, ladies and gentlemen, we have.................
The Muslims, a.k.a. the Islamofascists, a.k.a. the Terrorists, a.k.a. the violent nutfudge psychopathic maniacs.
What to say, really, that hasn’t been said before?
How about this: in the United States, as in any free society, you have the right to believe as you wish.
So does everyone around you.
If everyone has the right to believe as they wish, it follows logically, then, that people have the right to disagree with you.
In a free society, you, and everyone around you, have the right to free speech.
That is, you have the right to not only disagree with me, but the right to express this disagreement in print or on your blog or by walking up and down the street with a sandwich board.
David Irving is currently serving a three year prison sentence in Austria for denying the Holocaust. David Irving is a jerk and I sincerely hope he burns in Hell. But David Irving has the right to say anything he wants to. Freedom of speech means the freedom to be wrong, too.
In a free society, you have the right to worship as you wish, and so does everyone around you.
You can disagree, argue, denounce, make fun of or spoof anyone’s religion, just as anyone can do the same to yours.
Therefore, let us conclude that people in free societies divide the world into two parts: Me and Everyone Else.
If Everyone Else doesn’t physically harm Me, I honestly don’t care what they say, or believe, or worship, or write, or blog. Let them make fun of Me. I have the right to make fun of Everyone Else if I want.
Although, as a practical matter, members of free societies usually approach the matter of religion with respect and common courtesy. I’m not a Scientologist, but if you are, fine by me.
The Islamofascist world also, it would seem, divides the world into two parts: Us and Them.
Fine. Believe what you will, sir. Its no skin off my nose.
However, they seem to think that we are obligated to follow their rules, to believe as they do.
Respect I’ll give you, but obedience goes to far.
I do not accept dhimmitude. I do not accept Sharia law.
Publishing sacrilegious images may not have been a very politic move… but rioting and burning down embassies is not the proper response. It is the response of the barbarian.
And you just can’t negotiate with barbarians.
